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I used to be into atheism and the occult. Funny how you can reject God but still party like the devil and be ok with satanic things. I had the mentality that if I din't hurt anyone it was ok, (do what thou wilt) then it turned into "if they don't know what I'm doing, then they wont be hurt" and so on. What you have heard about me is true, I wont ever deny it. It is something that I look forward to sharing with others now, Jesus turned my shame into victory and I'm thankful for that, not in debt for it, because His salvation is a gift not something you can buy, or a formula to figure out. It's simple you are for God or against God.

I was about to get a divorce from Trish (my wife) about a year and a half ago,it was new years day of 2003, when I gave her those news. She broke down in tears and shock and I could not care less, I wanted to live a single man's life even though I was married. I had been partying and meeting with other women prior to this. I felt that our marriage was stoping me from becoming something better or greater. She was the first to go to God and surrender her life after years of running away from Him. I mocked her greatly, yelling and cursing her out for making such a decision, treated her like the freak that I am treated as now. I would tell her that she was a fool, and that God wasn't real. It seemed things were getting worse for us since she gave her life to Jesus, and I was angered whenever she tried to talk to me about God. I would still cheat on her and even though she changed and became more humbled, but I just couldn't get her, I couldn't understand her. I had my mind set on my beliefs and nothing would change that, or so I thought.

I decided to stay together because I just felt something telling me to stay close to my son. Apparently prayer works and her prayers softened my heart with time. I became more acceptant of her so called "new found glory" as I would call it whenever I mocked her, but whenever we disagreed on anything I would put down her faith. Mind you, most of our arguments were because I wanted to do whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted to. I was hardly at home and if I was I would isolate myself in the music studio I built for the band. A few moths later she challenged me to come to church for the sake of Alaric (our son) he would ask, " why don't you wanna go? All the other kids bring their daddy's. He would even go as far as to preach to me and ask me Don't you know God is real, huh?" and he was only 4 years old.

After months of this, I decided to do it for my son, and went. I didn't find it bad at all, matter of fact I thought the message was good but I was skeptical about the whole God issue. I had done the same ol' routine over and over again without a relationship with God while I was growing up. In my eyes it was all the same.Trish asked if I liked the service, I said yeah it was ok. She later asked if I wanted to come again, and out of pure bitterness I said "NO". I wanted to have it my way, I din't want her to think I believed everything the pastor said. After a few days all these questions about creation and God started to come up in my head and I started to become more bitter and the verbal abuse only got worse for her. Everytime this would happen she would walk away and begin to pray, it drove me nuts, what a freak I would say. I wanted her commited in a mental hospital sometimes. I would go to church every now and then just to be nice to Alaric. I was also starting to get along with Trish again because she was becoming this woman who started to show respect that I had not seen before. At the end of the service, they would usually ask those who wanted to turn from their sins and become anew (born again) to come up towards the front by the pastor so he could lead them into prayer and ask for God's forgiveness. I thought it was the most ridiculous thing I had ever seen. I would say to myself " look at these fools parading around, don't they have dignity? . But people were not ashamed to go up there and admit that they were sinners and needed God in their lives because after all, their lives were a mess. they said so by going up there. A sign of weakness I thought to my self, and my life wasn't so bad anyways. Besides I heard that you had to be honest and not lie anymore, in other words be righteous. but I took it to the extreme thinking that you could no longer have fun, that it was too restrictive, and Christianity was boring.

Sometimes Trish will invite and bring her new christian friends around and I would make sure to not be there when they were. I was like nuh uh, I'm outa here. I didn't want to be around that crowd. I would wonder what happened to her best friend at that time, how come she hadn't talked to her as much, they used to be so close. Trish told me that she pretty much stopped talking to her as much and became distant once Trish became a Christian. Ouch!! I would say to myself and at times I would put her down for losing her best friend and other friends because of her faith. Deep inside I was dying, I started to feel as though this was real but did not want to admit it, I did not want to go through what she was going through, I did not want to lose my friends or best friend. Even worse, I did not want to have to tell her that I had been cheating on her and all the things I was doing behind her back. I no longer wanted to go to church because I did not want to feel convicted. In my heart I knew I was a sinner, I was affraid to end up walking up front at the end of a service, I was filled with senseless pride. I decided to stop going altogether.

In January of 2004 our car broke down, and I bought a pick up. It was stick shift, and she did not know how to drive stick shift, so to my luck as I would say, "I" had to drive her to church. At that point I figured I would drop her off and pick her up only. I would drink on saturdays just to be too hung over not to go the next morning and have to drop her off. She would bug me until I got up, hungover or not. She would threaten to drive the truck one way or another. Of course I did not want her to blow up the transmission, so I drove her and Alaric every Sunday. On June 5, 2004 I went with a good ol' friend to the Hard Rock casino to see a band playing there, my eyes felt different during the show, as if I could see the deception and the wickedness of man, that's the only way I can describe it. I remember leaving the place after the show and went to get a drink at a small bar to shoot some pool,when we were done we decided to leave the bar without paying the tab. Somehow I left feeling guilty over it. The next morning I did not want to go to church but got up in a good mood. I decided (to Trish's surprise) to go in and hear the Word. At the end of the service they gave that famous call for people to turn from your sins, and I saw an old friend of mine go up, I had not seen him in years but I was happy for him. I started to cry because I felt tied up and a prisoner to my sins, I wanted to be free already. The pastor asked again after the first call and more people went up, my body was begining to weaken, I felt chills, I was nervous tears where rolling from my eyes I wanted to scream as I felt something holding me back telling me it would be over soon and that I wouldn't have to hear this anymore, then the pastor asked a third time (this is not usually done). I was wrestling with the thought, but I could no longer hold it in. In tears I walked up in front of thousands of people, I was ashamed and did not care anymore that I was a sinner. I wanted to make things right with God, hundreds of people shouted when I got up as if they knew who I was. I couldn't believe I was up there Later I found out Trish and her friends had been praying for me for months, so when I went up there they were happy for me. It wasn't an ok I'm glad for you or good for you type thing like I've heard from many who don't quite understand. But it was a real joy as if a family member had accomplished a great feat. There I stood, redeemed, in tears, Saved, Born again.